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Thursday, December 25, 2014

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20 Old Fashioned Tips For Getting Laid

With advice like this, it's a wonder anyone found love in the 20th century.
Ladies, keep your expectations low.
Don't molest strange men while at dinner.
But don't touch your man either.
Be shaped like a bow-tie.
Let him wear the pants.
Be a loser.
Don't kiss like an amateur.
Don't sit on his lap. Unless you're old and desperate.
Remember, no guy wants to hear about your day. Gah.
Better to hypnotize him with something sparkly.
Burt Reynolds is a deal breaker.
Awesome sex requires planning...and appetizers.
Ignore his wedding ring.
"Do sleep with a married man, as long as you can accept that he really belongs to another lady. Maybe someday he'll be yours alone, but don't bank on that slender hope; married men generally stay that way, no matter how delicious their mistresses."

Whatever you do, don't ruin the moment by looking less than perfect. Or forgetting the continental breakfast.
Men, beware the ankle-flashing tease.
Play it safe by dating a Daddy's girl (no way that could backfire).
"Try on some of the new wild clothes. Bell bottoms and English boots and wide ties. Wear a body shirt or dungarees or a groovy vest. . . Think sexy. Think, I am a virile male animal."
Then, swoon and lie. Girls love liars.
"The woman you're approaching must be made to feel you're head over heels in love with her . . . Half the time you want to pick up a girl it's because she's got a set of breasts that make you dizzy. Or the face of a movie star. Or the hips of a belly dancer. Not because she has some magnetic inner quality. Or whatever the hell it is she wants you to flip over. But you can't let them know that."

If all else fails, just stalk her...
Or pull her hair and drag her back to the cave under force. She'll come around.


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